Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
this heart
Thursday, May 7, 2009
 I'm just not as happy as I used to be, but everything is going so well. I don't understand how I can undermine myself like this. I should be enjoying all that I do have, not wishing and wanting something more. I'm missing something so important. I lack a completeness. I don't know if I'll ever find it. I just... I feel so empty. It begins in the center of my chest, where my rib cages meet. It hurts to breathe, but its simply all in my head. The pain is almost numbing, and it reverberates throughout my body. It like's the pain is the epicenter of some earthquake, and my body feels after shocks. It reaches out to my shoulders, down to my elbows and into my fingers. It makes me feel lethargic. The numbness stretches down as low as my abdomen, but then loses its power and fades down through my legs. I'm not myself; I haven't been for a while. I'm losing little pieces of me, and I don't really know where they're going. I'm just not mentally there anymore. I can't hold conversations; I can't pay attention. I'm lost, and getting even worse. It takes so much effort to focus, to make myself present. I lack the drive to care. And I'm scared. I'm so scared. It feels like everything I've fought for is slipping away. Everything that has made me better, is gone. My own self is disappearing, and I don't know how to regain the lost ground. I'm regressing and losing everything that I've worked so hard for. I choke down tears and words that I can't or won't allow myself to say. I avoid fights because I just don't know how I'm going to react any more. I'm selfish and stupid. And I find myself questioning how anyone could stand to be around me. I'm weak. I'm tired. I'm broken-down. I'm terrified. I want love. I want acceptance. I need to feel home. I don't have a home anymore. Or maybe I never did. |
Goodbye.
Facebook
Twitter
Tumblr
Email
Private/dead blogs are strike-through. |