Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
And I Can't Find It
Saturday, May 2, 2009
 I hate being alone, but I hate being around others. Some days I can't seem to find the good in my life, and I feel as if nobody loves me. I know that's not true, but some days the thought is just stuck in my head. I don't really like myself. I feel as if I can't be me around some of my best of friends. I feel like I have to be like them. I'm tired of feeling like that. And I'm tired of offending people when I am myself. That's what it is; I feel like I need to walk on eggshells to make sure I don't say something offensive. Which I think is complete and utter bullshit. And right now I'm thinking of one particular event that has happened. I'm sorry, I thought I was close enough to someone to make a somewhat racist joke. This person KNOWS I'm not racist. And she got mad. But she makes some jokes too. So it's alright for her to do it, but not me. I don't get the whole double standards that everyone has. And I mean, I try not to have them. But now I feel like I can't joke around with her anymore. Like, well if that offended you and you got mad over something so stupid when you know I'm very much NOT that way, then how can I trust you to not get mad at me. I hate that I have to censor now what I say. I have to be careful about how I sound. That's no way to live. And I thought she would always understand me. I guess not. I guess we're not as close as I thought we were. So now (excluding Lex from this) I don't really have friends at this school. And though I'm contemplating getting a tattoo with pam and morgan and shann, they're not my best friends. I just lack... sisters. I lack people that are willing to accept me for every bit that I am. The only two people who accept me for exactly who I am are Alexa and Mike. And I mean, it's enough; it's great even. I just... I'm tired. I'm so tired of feeling alone when I know that I do have some people around me. I don't know if this is making much sense. I'm tired of burdening Mike with all of this, everything that I feel. He doesn't make me feel like there's something wrong with me, but he insists that I should go and see a therapist. I don't want to. How can he expect me to trust someone so random. I don't want him thinking something is wrong with me. I just want other people to understand me. It's not fair other people can find that in friends. I have it in Mike. I have it in Alexa. Maybe I'm being greedy. I don't think I am. I just... I feel like I'm missing something. Something that is really important in life. And I can't find it. |
Goodbye.
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