Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
Analytical Mood
Friday, March 27, 2009
 I lack people skills, and yet I try to assimilate myself into normal every day life. I feel like an outcast in my own skin and within the circle of those whom are supposed to be there to support me. I alienate myself from those who love me, and I can't stand myself for it. There's only a few who put up with me, and for those who do: thank you. I feel as if I'm losing small parts of myself every day that goes by, and someone unknown to me is moving inside my shell. I feel detached and alone, and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm trying, but failing. Mike reminds me I'm a real person; he reminds me to feel. He keeps me wanting to be a part of this world. I'm not talking about suicide, but merely not remaining a hermit. It's a challenge for me to be social and I'm trying to branch out and talk to new people. I'm good at putting up a front, at least with those who don't really know me. I play around, joke and laugh, but I don't feel as if I'm really connecting with anyone. Too many people are fake; I'm fake. I don't know which way is up or down with other beings. It's difficult to get a read on people and I lack a sixth sense that seems so important to differentiate between friends and enemies. I have too short of an attention span to hold any sort of grudge, yet I am capable of hating someone for a lifetime. I'm confused by my own actions, and I wish that I would stop comparing myself to others. Unfortunately, I realize that I will always be compared by others, and there are going to be people that are better than me. I'm forever going to live in somebody's shadow. Part of me wishes I was popular, that I believed one-hundred percent that I was society's perception of beauty. I lack confidence and I find it hard to smile eight out of ten days. I'm trying to believe in myself, in my capabilities; it's hard. I'm not perfect, but I strive to achieve something that resembles it. I can't do it. I can't motivate myself to do it. It doesn't help when you have parents that don't even congratulate you on the big things. I'm beginning to stop expecting greatness out of myself and am settling for sub-par standards. I miss childhood ignorance, and the bliss that comes with it. I hate reality, yet I don't really want to be a crazy person and live in my own head. I'm tired, the all over tired that signifies I want to give up. This isn't the end of something; it's just a snag in the road. I write to placate my feelings, write away my frustrations. Sometimes its causes more, sometimes it eases them. I know that this is probably all because of a learning stage, and the new challenges that await me in the near future. I can't seem to shake my current feelings. |
Goodbye.
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