Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
Afraid
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I'm so done with high school. It's obnoxious and I dislike 90% of my class. I mean, they're great people, but so many of them haven't matured. I'm just so done with everything and I'm tired of almost being backstabbed. I found out today that someone I care about was bitching about me yesterday. It isn't so bad that I really took offense as to what she was saying, but... that's not the point. We've been friends for so long and I've never spoken a bad word against her... to my other friends. Mike is someone different because I confide in him... So I've never talked shit about her, or anything that is remotely shit, and I found out that my "best friend" was bitching about me. What the fuck is that? What did I do to deserve it? Have I done something wrong, or is she just changing? I used to think we would be inseparable, but since a destructive force has entered our lives, we've been growing further and further apart. Is it something we could prevent? Can we salvage our relationship? Do I even want to? Do I like the person she is, or who she is becoming? Do I really see her? Did I ever really see her?These are some questions that have been circling in my head for some time now, but now I feel that they have some substance. I feel like the impending doom is actually much closer than it ever was. My feelings are hurt, but I don't want to really confront her about anything. Because maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing. That begs the question though, what if I'm not? What if this really is something that I need to talk about? What if there really is trouble in paradise? I'm not sure that I have the balls to confront it. I'm not a coward, per say, but I'm not one for confrontation. What if it ends up the way me and Kasey's fight did? We don't talk to each other anymore, and any words exchanged are strained. Who would I lose as friends? Would Sam still be friends with both of us? Would Kyle? Sarah? Tara? Julia? Josee? Lis? I don't want to be questioning these things, but if me and her aren't friends, what would happen? I'm not prepared to lose her, but I don't know if I want to fight for her. I'm pretty sure I don't even know who she is anymore. She's always around other people. And I've tried hanging out with her and it never happens. I'm tired. Emotionally. I don't like this roller coaster I'm on, and I don't know who is causing it. Me, her or both of us. Is it my fault? I'm sure some of it is, I'm partially to blame, but then so is she. Did she ever care? And I don't mean to make it sound like we're at each others throats, or that anything has actually made us both upset at each other. We still joke, we still laugh and stuff, but... there's something there that's underlying and I don't know what that is. All I know is that I'm hurting at the thought that we will end on a bad note. |
Goodbye.
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