Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
No better words
Sunday, January 4, 2009
So I'm sitting here and I pretty much can't sleep for the life of me. It really sort of sucks. What's worse is that Mike is with Jimmy and he won't respond so whatever. I, however, do have Cathleen for a little while, and then when she goes away, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'm just going to have to deal. But I'm sort of freaking out a bit. I don't have any of my applications into college and I have to hand everything in and I'm bugging out. I mean like, I'm so ready for college. But I'm staying home, so I'm hearing a lot of shit about it. It makes me want to apply to more places but at the same time, it would be a waste of money. But at the same time, I'm not satisfied with suffolk. I don't know. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I have to branch out. I have to. And maybe suffolk will do that for me, and if it doesn't I can certainly transfer. On another topic, I feel as though I'm too attached to Michael. Like, I know I'm attached and I should be but it's like an obnoxious obsession and I don't want him to go and complain about me. I feel like everything he complains about with Gina, I do too. So either it doesn't bother him because it's me, or he doesn't realize that I bother him. I don't know. I know he tells me I don't bother him or whatever, but still. I have to sometimes. I would bother me. I kinda just want to hole myself up alone for a while. There's just too much shit going on and I want some alone time. I can't find peace though when I'm alone because I'm forced to think about things. So like... its a double edged sword. I just want to figure shit out, and not have to depend on other people like Mikey to like... help me through things. I know the general concept of having a boyfriend is so that he WILL be there, but I feel like I rely on him (and others) too much. And I'm scared because of how much I love him. It's such a scary thought that I have invested 1.) so much time and 2.) so much trust and faith within him. Like if we ever part on bad terms, I'm done for. I'll be so destroyed and devastated. I feel like I haven't lived up to my potential and I'm starting to double guess everything I do. I can't do it anymore, and it's driving me insane. And I get so mad at myself when I procrastinate. Like, I had that twenty page article thing due tomorrow technically, but I don't have it done so I'm handing it in tuesday. I don't know. I just let things slip away from me, and I don't do anything to prevent it. And I hate my room right now. It's such a mess and like... I can't stand living in a mess yet I let my room get bad. So why do I do it? I guess I am really sort of lazy, but why do I lack drive to do something about it? I wish I was so much better than I am. Like, I don't understand why people like me. I fail at so many things. And it's not like I have any talents that make up for it. I'm not worthless, I don't believe that, but I can't find the motivation to make something out of myself. Like, I can't really believe that I'll be well off in my future. I'm going to be working till the day I die. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I'm not obnoxiously smart, I can't paint, draw or whatever and I can't stand to do meticulous work. So what is left for me to do? I'm average and I don't even know what I like to do. Like, how the hell are you supposed to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you're 18. I mean, I know you don't have to declare a major until your junior year, but still. everything you do should lead up to your intended major. How the hell am I supposed to know what I'm going to want to do in even just a YEAR? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. |
Goodbye.
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