Let me hear you call my name.
 Well, we meet again. I'm Alexa, but you already know that. However, you might call me Lexi, which is cool. Like me, cool that is. I make my own friendship bracelets like it's my job. But it's not. I work at a seasonal restaurant. I have an iPhone and we all know that makes me superior or something. Oh yeah, I'm like 21 or something like that. I love photography and have a Nikon D60... which I don't use. What more could you want from me? Just read. More than words.
You know you love me, too.
Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively. Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo |
Angry
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
There is nothing good about my friends. I mean, excluding Lex from this rant.Everyone else… I no longer give a crap about. Actually, better yet, I don’t think I give too much crap about her either. I’m so fucking done with like… people. People in general and people in a specific manner. I can’t stand to be in the same room with ¾ of the people I know, much less the ones I don’t know. I hate work. I hate work simply because of people. People that I work with and people that are customers. I mean honestly… if I could, if my circumstances allowed me to, I would just curl up in a ball and sleep for ages and just be within my own head. Not to say that’s the safest place for me to be. God knows that I’m getting more and more fucked up in that region than most people. I can’t stand my own thought process sometimes and I hate that I even have some of these thoughts. And it comes down to a point where I don’t want to tell anyone anything. They would just over-react and say “she needs help.” Actually, I don’t. I need people to leave me the fuck alone, but nobody will. I’m already very well aware of that, And I’m not writing this blog just so people can read this. Writing is what I am. I acknowledge that I suck at it, that I have a horrible time conveying what I mean in a coherent way. But this is making feel better. I might not even publish it anymore. But then again. If I ever feel better, I can look back on this blog and comment on how much I blew everything out of proportion. Re-reading this, I sound fucking suicidal. I’m not and I’m not implying that at all. I’m talking about hermitting myself away. Away from life and drama and reality. But not death. So it IS a suicide I’m talking about, but just a social one. My only relief in this world right now is Michael and possibly Lauren. And, for some reason, Mike Dennis and Fischer. Seeing them gives me a sense of reality and calm that I cannot explain. And no. I actually don’t have a crush on them. So feeling these things is weird, because its NOT sexual at all. Its just… there. So whatever. Kismet can sometimes make me feel better. But Michael… I’m so insanely jealous of Jake. And it almost makes me cry to think about it and I’m not sure why. Ok, not even almost. I’m crying. I hate when I cry, especially over stupid things. But anyway. I’m so horribly, horribly jealous of Jake, and Gina. They get to see Michael. This is the ONLY reason why I hate our age difference. I’m stuck in a world where I “can’t do this” and “can’t do that” because I am too young. Too fucking young. And Mike’s not apart of that world anymore. Sure he can’t legally drink, but he does drink and does go to bars. Therefor, technically, he’s “not too young.” But I fucking am. M-fucking-E. And I can’t stand it. Because I feel too mature to hang around the people my age, but I’m “too young” for people older than me. So can someone PLEASE explain that to me? Where do I fit in? And I hate that I’m crying. I HATE IT. Fuck. And I hate that I’m depressed. And I hate that I complain. And I hate mostly everything about me right in this second. And my god, becoming a hermit sounds really good right now. So good, in fact. And I don’t know what to do. I want this all to end, all of these feelings, but I don’t know how to end them. I mean I know its like… part of being an adolescent… but… I don’t feel like a child anymore. I feel like someone who is trapped in a fucking unjust, shitty world. I can’t escape any of this. Because all of my worlds interconnect and everything is part of everything else. I mean, Michael is my boyfriend. Therefore, I’m going to always be insanely jealous because I’m friends with my friends simply because I go to school with them. And then also, Michael is my boyfriend, but we work together at the Kismet Inn and TAHDAH So we’re BOTH in Kismet and LAUREN knows Michael and works at the Inn too. SO PLEASE So I’m REALLY at a loss as to what to do. I can’t stand being in these atmospheres anymore. I can’t stand the people around me. And its all because of me. And its not what they have or havent done. Because I really do love mike and he doesn’t actually bother me. But… I don’t even know. Its still that I’m TOO YOUNGGGGG! I cant stop fucking obsessing over it. I just cant. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I fucking GIVE UP. I can’t keep living like this. I cant. I cant. I cant. I fucking c-a-n-apostrophy-t. CANTTTTTTTTTTT Plus side… I stopped crying. Cos now Im just PISSED OFF. Pissed off that I feeeeeeeeeeel this way. it’s a fucking vicious circle. I cant break it. Im not happy. I don’t know what the fuck to do. |
Goodbye.
Facebook
Twitter
Tumblr
Email
Private/dead blogs are strike-through. |