Sitting. Waiting. Wishing.

I don't know what to do. I feel as though my efforts are falling short, and I know my meaning is being lost through the text, but what can I honestly do about that? I'm trying so very hard to let him in, and I just feel as though he is almost taking that for granted and denouncing how hard it truly is for me. I mean, I know deep down that that's not how he feels, that's not his intentions and that's why he hates text messaging, but that doesn't detract from the way I feel about it. And It IS difficult to get out of my house. I feel as though my sorries are seen as nothing in his eyes, but i truly mean them. i don't know. i'm so unsure about so many things in life, but when it comes to him i'm sure most of the time. I mean... he accused me of being more upset that I was making him upset than being upset that I couldn't see him. And maybe that had some truth, but not really. I hate making him feel shitty because of the fact that I can't control my life. And I can't, and I have tried to comes to terms with that, but I fail miserably sometimes. I just hate for him to waste his time on me, even though he isn't. Its just so... i don't even know a word to describe it, what I'm feeling. I just feel as though sometimes it's useless for him to try and breach my walls, but that's not how I feel on the whole. That's just my bad moods talking. Those are another thing I cannot control and he's going to collide with those many a times just because they come around quite often. But i'm trying so hard to let him in, to actually see him in person. He makes me happy, most of the time. And I hate "arguing" with him. Haha. yeah, we can't even call it arguing because how can you show anger and frustration through text? Well... without an extensive vocabulary.

I hate hurting him.

And now i'm crying because I'm a jerk.
And i'm also laughing because i listen to the same soundtrack every time i'm upset. (Near Forever, duhhh)

I just wish I could make all of this easier.